like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Yeah. This was me today.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
🙂🙃🥹
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.