Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”