Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
That’s not how days work.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder