Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
wtf management?!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.