Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season