I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Xylophonist Shredding It
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Lunatics are gonna loon.