My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.