“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
🤭😂
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated