A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Finally a use for spoilers…
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.