I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.