This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
next level snooze
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall