I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool