i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You Might Also Like
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
mumsnet is amazing
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.