If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
it must be school picture day
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.