6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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yeah no that’s fair
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I thought this was funny lol
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter