I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse