me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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ok this is my dumbest yet
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
A little too much information.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.