I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something