[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Whoa… oh I see lol
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels