“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one