Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
But that’s none of my business
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
The Birdles
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.