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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers