Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Make new friends? bro out of what?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it