[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Lmao 🤣
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My biological clock is wheezing.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting