3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.