I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Bros before Ohioes
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!