“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
You know…for fall…
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Monday?
No. Next question.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.