Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Meanwhile in Portland…
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination