A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.