[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
live long and prosper!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.