I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
We need to put an American base on the sun
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.