Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.