My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
every. time.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””