You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.