Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.