me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Morning.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”