“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it