Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask