I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
You Might Also Like
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.