Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*