*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights