[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating