9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ