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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
checking out some reviews of my local library
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’