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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”