[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
You Might Also Like
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.