Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!