[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“I FIXED IT!”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.