What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.