barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Investing in beetcoin
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Have kids, they said
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.